I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
