We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
