If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You smell like stripper and shame
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
