so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
