I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Randomize