i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
