i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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