dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
