i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
