you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
