insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
