im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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