glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
