Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
