wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
