guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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