My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's never too late to be topless.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
