I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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