Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
