Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
