Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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