Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
