His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
