Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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