dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
