you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
