My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
