Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My vagina just clenched in fear
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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