I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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