alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
