he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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