apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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