my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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