He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
