If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize