allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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