Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
