I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
