never play flip cup with pint glasses
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize