how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
