I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
