Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
