Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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