using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
