The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
