How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
