I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
