Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
