Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize