i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
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