Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
