I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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