You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
