That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
