I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
why do cheetos always look like penises
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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