On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I have so many feelings about this burrito
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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