Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I am available for nakedness
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
