In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
