Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
