So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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